Jeans

One thing I have learned from my recent foray into shopping with my husband:

Some men apparently don’t understand that there are different styles of jeans, and its not so much your size that counts. Especially when you’ve lost a ton of weight.

Oh fashion bitches, why is it that flares are now forbidden? Why are there only 3 main styles, maybe 4 if you count the puke worthy “jeggings”?

You’ve got your skinny jeans. Ugly, uncomfortable, ass-flattening skinny jeans. They make petite girls look like they bought their clothes from a kids store. They make medium sized girls look like billboards and they make thick girls look like fatasses. What’s the matter, fashion industry? Are you guys so ugly that you have to make everyone else look bad so you look good by comparison? In all cases, skinny jeans ruin a good butt by taking all the shape out of it and squishing the shapely bits into a board shape.

“Straight” jeans. Jeans that go up past your belly button, make your legs look like Lincoln logs,and scream out “MOM”. They bring to mind feathered mullets, acid wash denim, and white trash ramblings from an old Roseanne episode.

“Boot cut” jeans manage to marry the worst parts of straight jeans with skinny jeans. Not only do the pants basically soar up to your boobs, they flatten the ass and make it impossible to wear a comfortable pair of tennis shoes without looking like an idiot. I’m sorry, starving models and their pervy photographers,but some of us live an actual life where we do this weird thing called “walking”.

All I can say about jeggings is that if I wanted to wear tights in public, I’d buy a reasonably priced pair of tights. Not an overpriced pair of jeans that I pour myself into. For that matter why not just slap some body paint on?

I want my flares back. I want comfort and style, and i want the freaking 80’s to STAY DEAD. And if people want to get rid of that muffin top problem, they should maybe think about going up a size or 6.

By the way, fashion industry: screw all your ugly asses, and your terrible clothes too.

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