I’m a bad, shameless Mommy

Heads up! I’m going to be losing my Internet due to being an idiot and getting on a family plan where half the other people are weak willed idiots and the other half are dishonest, thieving idiots. That means goodbye blog until I can find access to the Internet. Yep, I own my idiocy.

Anyways, I’m a bad mommy and I should be ashamed of myself, according to everybody.

It started when my baby was born… Well no. Actually it started well before that. Being of “low socio-economic status” which is fancy talk for “undesirable” I procreated. And I’ve never used a condom, much less (cancer causing, hormone screwing) birth control. And then I didn’t kill my unborn baby. And before all that? I married an honest to God Mexican, who is as broke as I am. My worst offense are after the baby though…

I signed a “contract” of dubious legality at the hospital saying I’d never ever bedshare, because my alter ego will rise in my sleep to smother my baby. They also offered the helpful suggestion of sleeping upright in a recliner with the baby because baby dropping is healthy. If I didn’t sign that contract I wasn’t “allowed” to leave the hospital and go home with my own daughter.

Yeah, that lasted all of a week and a half. Blame it on me trusting my motherly instincts and my third world husband. We are still bed sharing and I’m only now considering stopping it because baby thinks its awesome to snuggle up to me, sigh, and then try to rip my nipples off with her cute chubby fingers.

And while sacrificing my huge, king size, comfy bed has been hard I still miraculously have sex pretty much everywhere else in my house. And out of my house.

In addition to doing something that isn’t even bad (check out Dr.Sears on bedsharing) I’ve apparently committed a faux pas that those with my level of education find appalling.

You see, my baby is a girl. I know, shameful right? How dare I say that aloud? What if her baby brain is confusing her vagina with a penis and she thinks she’s a boy??!? I think all the presumptuous crap about “cis-gender” is so clever it’s stupid. God created male and female, and my daughter isn’t going to be given only gender neutral toys and clothes that are actually just boy stuff with more yellow thrown in. Why? Because as a woman I’ve had it up to here with the implicit suggestion that anything strongly feminine is verboten and that anything strongly male is obscene. Bring on the pink and blue! And yes, I do know that pink used to be a boy color. 100 years ago. See all the fucks I give?

Other stuff I do that proves I’m evil or at least inadequate?

I’m raising my child Catholic. Latin, lace, incense, and rosaries. Not to mention excellent literature. And a veil.

I let my baby eat solids at 5, not 6 months. The horror! I also introduced a fruit first and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t organic since I didn’t have to take out a loan for it.

I swear in front of my kid. I try not to, but this is probably the proof that all Catholics are hypocrites or something. I just pray that her first word is something other than most of the words I say when driving. I don’t feel comfortable saying “God bless you” when my decidedly unsaintly mind is hoping God goes Sodom on you and that you end up in a ditch. If I’m going to be evil, I should be honestly evil.

I let my 6 month old baby watch a movie with me. Terrible!

I let her sleep on her stomach. Like her daddy, she flips all over the place when sleeping, and loves her stomach.

I don’t have a vendetta against all things Disney. I do plan on letting her see anything Hayao Miyazaki, because his art is better.

I don’t allow baby girl to see her maternal Grandparents. Sure, they’re abusive and dangerous people but they’re faaaaaaaaaamily! How dare I expose my kid to better examples!

We teach about the real Santa, who punched heretics and and survived prison, and was Turkish- not European.

There’s a host of things I do that are apparently borderline child abuse. Her bouncy chair is a torture device. The baby carrier I have doesn’t support her hips well at all, because poor people can’t afford the one for the low price of 155.99. I don’t have a savings account for her and my house is far from baby proof.

But I can accept that. And just when I think the sanctimommys of the Internet can’t possibly judge me for anything more I learn something new. I start reading this thread about annoying gifts from people, and it starts out innocently enough. Baby clothes that are stained and smell like smoke, toys that look designed to murder you as you sleepwalk via 1000 tiny, sharp little parts, and passive aggressive toxic grannies buying too small clothes for “fat kids”. But then came other comments, comments that denounced all other lesser mothers.

Do you let your kids wear clothes from Walmart? Did someone have the gall to buy you baby clothes from there and actually give them to you? BAD MOMMY! And if you bought them yourself, there’s no hope for you. CPS should definitely rescue your child, you trailer trash excuse for a human being!

Do you let your kids play with electronic toys? OMG you’re going to give them ADD! They will find a way to eat the batteries! They will have seizures and Rumplestiltskin will steal them and probably be a pedophile! Your children’s imagination will shrivel up and die just like your sex drive and common sense! Arrrgh! You are a terrible mommy!

Do you let your kids play with anything other than wooden, Hipster toys? Do you let them associate with kids who play with (shudder) plastic toys? YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A HELLSPAWN OF SATAN! Plastic toys are cheap, and cheap is evil! Anything in your modest price range is evil, and so are YOU!

Seriously, the more I slip into my mother role (complete with lactating boobies, spanx, and improving cooking abilities) the thicker my skin gets. I’m almost gleefully anticipating the next rich white judgmental mommy comment. I’ve already been judged for buying a Graco seat instead of a Chico one, even though both do a good job. I also bought a ton of second hand things, and even yard saled for baby stuff.

At least I’m exclusively breastfeeding, so I guess I win in that department lol.

Any moms out there, especially fist time ones reading my blog- remember this phrase “Look at all the fucks I give!” That is a helpful mantra. Use it often.